


Come Back, I Still Need you

by Crying_ram



Series: Letters and everything I never said [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Forgive Me, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Regret, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 16:47:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14382846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crying_ram/pseuds/Crying_ram
Summary: 'When you wake up, I'll give you softer words. I'll give you long sonnets of love, I'll write poems and novels and songs if it'll help you breathe, if it'll make you smile, if it'll make you want to keep breathing for as long as you can.'-Alex writes John something like a love letter.





	Come Back, I Still Need you

**Author's Note:**

> Yooo this is a continuation of the first part of this series. Felt that should be specified   
> Title comes from hold on by chord overstreet(i think?)

Dearest Jack,

I guess you're right about laptops being a lot better than letters when it comes to efficiency. I mean, yeah, you can type up an entire essay and send it to someone and they'd get it in a matter of seconds. 

I still like letters more, however. Letters make it easier to express your innermost feelings. You write what you need to down, and suddenly it's like you understand everything. Your thoughts become a tangible thing, I something you can actually hold, and you can do whatever you want with it, you can keep it forever. 

I have found out, though, that keeping your words to yourself sometimes does more harm than good. What's the use in writing something so beautiful if no one ever gets to read it? 

(I've written dozens of things for you. I've realized too late I should've shown them to you.)

Plus, it takes a long time for letters to be sent. Can you imagine if we had lived in a time where letters were the only way to communicate over a long distance? What would we have done if we were so far apart? I don't think I'd be able to handle only hearing from you once every month or so. 

But at least I'd be able to hear from you at all, I guess. 

John, I miss you.

I don't know how else to express that, I don't know how to put it more eloquently than that, because there aren't words. You're here but you're not, and it hurts so bad, and I miss you.  I'm used to seeing you strong and tall, the way your eyes light up like fireworks when you're looking for a fight, physical or verbal. 

You looked so small. I thought you were gone, you were so pale, so cold, I thought I'd lost you, Jesus Christ, I thought I'd never see you again, never see your eyes like spring, your sunshine smile. 

What the fuck did you think I would do? You're full of shit, thinking I'd be able to even keep existing if you weren't here. I wouldn't last a day, John. I wouldn't last a single second more, almost didn't, because I found your letter in my room and I knew it was my fault, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe, I can't breathe-

You look so fucking small in this hospital bed. Doctor says I was lucky to have come home when I did, was lucky that I was able to make you throw up most of the pills. 

I don't feel lucky. I feel like I should've prevented this in the first place. I keep feeling like I could have done more, like I was too late even though you're still alive right now. Is alive the same as living, though? Maybe you were dead long before you tried to actually die. How could I not have seen? What could I have done different? 

I love you. I know you know that, but I love only you, and there is not a single timeline in which I wouldn't, not a single life where I wouldn't pick you over anyone else. You're everything, everything, I can't even think of a world without you, but I almost got one anyways. I love you with my entire heart, with every part of me, and yet it wasn't enough to make you stay. 

What would have been enough? What did I not do? 

I still want you. I still need you. I'm sorry if it ever seemed otherwise, if it ever looked like I didn't want to be with you until my very last breath, but I do. I would give anything up for you if it meant you'd be happy for the rest of your days. I'm sorry that you didn't think I would. 

You are loved, not just by me, but by our friends, too. I didn't know what to tell them, all I could do was show them your letter. 

That was the first time I've ever seen Laf cry. 

Maybe you think we don't want you. Maybe you think this world doesn't want you, but it does, we do. Everyday when I wake up, you are the first thing I think of, the only person I've ever wanted to stay this much. What would I do without you? Where would I be without you? Fuck, I don't even want to live in a world that you aren't in. 

I'm not mad at you. I'd never be able to be, I love you more than anything. I'm angry at myself. Will you ever be able to forgive me when you wake up? I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I ruined the only thing I care about, the only person I love. 

I don't care what the world does. I don't care if it still spins, I don't care if time goes on, I don't care if the seasons change and stars hang in the sky and night continues to change into day. I don't care, I don't, because if you're not here none of it matters. 

Things go on, but without you,  I do not want them. I don't want them, and I don't want your letter, your letter that only fills me with sorrow. I don't want your ice cold veins, or your deflated lungs. How do I breathe life back into you? You should've talked to me. I should've been more open for you to talk to. I don't want these words, though. When you wake up, I'll give them back to you, because I don't want them, can't stand to read the lies you wrote about yourself, as if you are anything less than an entire galaxy. 

When you wake up, I'll give you softer words. I'll give you long sonnets of love, I'll write poems and novels and songs if it'll help you breathe, if it'll make you smile, if it'll make you want to keep breathing for as long as you can.  I'll follow you anywhere, I'll go wherever it is you wish to, if it'll keep you on this earth. And if what you need is for me to leave you alone forever, to let you go, well

I'll do it if it keeps you alive. 

You're enough. You're more than enough. I would give up writing forever if it meant you'd see how much this world needs you, If it'd make you see how much I need you.

I could have the entire world in my palms, but without you, it would never be enough. 

Yours always, 

A. Ham

**Author's Note:**

> I kind of burned out in the middle of writing this, so I know it's trash.   
> Also I wrote it all in one sitting so  
> Maybe one day I'll come back to it and write it properly


End file.
